How overweight are Ewe?

When you're a Greeting Card actress like I am, the cellulite circles you like a shark trying to ruin your career. Many Greeting Card actresses smoke because the taxes fund our health care system. I'm not so kind as they are - not only does smoking kill you and your lungs, but it turns my wool yellow just being around it.

So this ewe must diet.

Even though my boss, Jean-Luc the cow, has assured me he won't fire me even if I get as chunky as Britney Spears, I still want to take care of myself.

I'm thinking even though there are bunches of diets available for 3 easy payments of $19.99 I might just try to exercise more and, well, eat less. Maybe I'll put together some DVD's and start marketing it - "Let Ewe trim you"

Would you trust an exercise/diet program from a company called "Fattened Calf? We'd include a free greeting card!

Sadly though, I think I know my problem. I'm a big fan of Rachael Ray so I've been putting some Extra Virgin Olive Oil on many of my meals. I'm starting to wonder if even though it's "good fat", if maybe it's making me bad fat.

Speaking of which, with the success of our company, I may have an invitation tied up to go on Rachael's show - which was great until I saw the episode on roast lamb. I'm a little concerned WHY I'm invited now. That shark picture may have new meaning now that I think about it...

Helping US Automakers

Today I don't want to talk about any clever solutions, but more a marketing idea. As Interim Marketing Director for Fattened Calf, I have been coming up with ideas like 99 cent shipping to help sales.

But this is for any of the big thee automakers (excuse the balloon picture - it's transportation which is kinda like cars), to use after sending a check for $87,200.

It seems the manual transmission is slowly being replaced by the automatic which loses some of the fun in driving. So here's a transition for you to help those that can't seem to handle a clutch and shifter (which I can manage even with hooves).

The "semi-automatic" transmission. How cool does that sound? Feel the power of a semi-automatic [car-name]! There are some cars already out there with something similar but not named correctly.

You put a little button down on the shifter to replace the clutch and maybe even have the car shift if it's in dire need to and the driver can't recognize it.

What do you drive? Oh I drive a semi-automatic. Now that's cool. First American car maker to send the check gets the name and my design ideas. I'll even help with more marketing ideas. That's the kind of gal I am.

I'd offer it to foreign companies, but a semi-automatic Prius sounds weird. Like no matter what politic party you belong to, it seems like your betraying them.

I've eaten plenty of grass on the plains of America, today I'm giving back...

The Two State Dance

Our greeting cards are now in two states! Illinois and New Jersey.

I'm having a difficult time associating the two states, however. NJ has a state bird of the Eastern Goldfinch while IL is the Northern Cardinal. Not even close except they're both pretty.

I don't know about NJ, but Illinois loves to fund good things with strange ideas. So like for example in order for Illinois to pay for kids health insurance, we need lots of people to go gamble away their money...oh and maybe even smoke! So it's kind of like a never ending cycle. As long as people smoke and go to casinos, IL will have the money to pay for kids insurance which is weird cause that would not be much incentive for kids not to smoke - how will they get their insurance paid for?

I don't know what New Jersey pays for their kids insurance with.

Honestly, not something I worry about. Veterinarians are much cheaper than doctors...and sheep don't smoke.

Eugene the "snapping turtle" yelled at me the other day. Why you might ask? Because I was eating carrots.
I'm a sheep - we can't eat with our mouth closed and how can anyone eat carrots quietly.

Is that why people started cooking carrots - to make them soft and quiet?

Can we do that with other things. Glass causes so many cuts. What if we cooked it? I certainly wouldn't mind cooking one of those glass coffee tables that everybody always bumps into.

What about those noisy toys that children play with. Cook them to make them quiet?

How about a balding turtle with an attitude lately. Maybe some cooking would soften him up... :)